26 May 2010

Song of the Day: I'll Pray For You

The irony of this song just cracks me up...

Rita's Univeral Truths

1) Trying and Caring are two verbs that get you no where in life.
2) Having a pinkish-red heart on your facebook page is embarassing.
3) Keeping bobbi pins is impossible. Losing them is inevitable.
4) No matter how hard you try to make Murrys fried green pepper rings, they will never turn out the same.
5) Spaghetti can't be eaten without a glass of milk.
6) Spaghetti will never taste the same leftover.
7) Hey jackass, everytime you smoke pot, there will be a urinalysis within that week. No other time.
8) No other movie will ever match the solidity of quotes from Dumb and Dumber.
9) Jewish people are a race. Obviously.
10) Someone is thinking about how sexy I am. Someone is thinking about how ugly I am. Someone is thinking about how to make my life miserable and I know someone is surely thinking about something that will make me smile. Don't worry I eat all the attention up.
11) There shouldn't be a prison overfill. I think that the Government should force convicted murderers into Gladiator fighting like the Greeks and Romans did...America would make money off of watching murderers and rapists slaughter each other. Perfect.
12) It gets awkward when you aim to do the :)...and accidently do the ;)
13) You can't go into WalMart without an obese woman wearing spandex bending over in front of you when you're trying to get through an isle.
14) Don't say there is no food in the house...you know there are 17 bags of top ramen in the pantry.
15) Bowling is one of those things that you can suck really bad at, but still have a blast.
16) Any guy who insists on being the little spoon is gay. Totally gay.
17) There is nothing worse than a belligerent drunk.
18) Pop caps that say you can win stuff if you enter the codes are legit; I won a Dr. Pepper mountain bike.
19) Obese people should be required to pay for an extra seat on airplanes.
20) Karaoke is insulting
21) The name virginity would make such a beautiful name. Too bad.
22) When your roommate continues to fuck you over all year long, don't feel bad about breaking in their room to steal 1/4cup of vanilla vodka. Do it with pride, and a big proud smile.
23) If a stranger starts conversation with you, take that as an opportunity to be anyone you want. If you want to be a spinal rehabilitationist, stripper, probate lawyer, bookie or an aeronautical engineer...so be it. Why not?
24) Look on top of the cupboards. No one ever looks up there.
25) A couple can try for years to get pregnant...but a 15 year old girl can bang out and realize she's carrying twins.
26) There isn't anything more adorable than a newborn foal or calf.
27) Whether you like the President of the United States or not, he's still your president. So go complain to someone else.
28) Facial peircings are disgusting.
29) David Bowie is a baller. Everyone should be required to watch the movie Labrynth.
30) The cubs will NEVER win the world series. Being the gayest team in the league never has it's perks.

16 May 2010

You're No Tommy Lee....

So last weekend we had a band come in from Nashville. I had just got to work, and as usual...I was hungry. The band was asking directions to the BBQ place that we like, and instead of explaining, I just told them to follow and meet me there. We bullshitted for about an hour when I decided I needed to get back to work, so I quietly got up and paid my part of the bill, said bye and left. When the band got back to the Snorty Horse...Jason Wesley, the head guy of the group came up and asked me why I had left and was concerned with my feelings. I laughed and told him that I left because I had to get back to work, and it's not like we went there as a couple so I have free reign to do whatever the hell I want. Mr. Jason Wesley got so hammered, that he was up on stage playing fucking Purple Rain by Prince...and waving me to come over and sing it with him. Ya...uh no.
I'm not going to go up there and help you sing a stripper song...as much as I admire it.
By then we were in the process of kicking everyone out since it was almost 1:30am, and he got off the stage like he had just found the cure for all communicable diseases...expecting every woman to come hang off of him. You could tell he was a little panicked that it was closing time and he hadn't found a groupie club to beg for autographs and makeout sessions. So while I was cleaning up my sidework to leave, he started BEGGING me to come back to the hotel with him. Look dude- that just isn't going to happen. I could conjur slampieces that are 10x better looking than you, and aren't married with kids. What a slime. Are you freaking kidding me? So just when I thought I had got the message to him- he asked what I had to do the next day that involved me not partying til dawn. I told him that I needed to save lives at the blood bank. Then the mother fucker did the unexpected. The most low and desperate move ever. He wrapped his arms around me and begged,
Do you have any idea what is going on in my hometown right now? Where I live in Nashville? Do you even have a clue!? It's flooded sister. There are people without homes, without electricity and no one cares. I think YOU need to put that into some fuckin' perspective, and come back and party with me in my hotel room. It will make you feel better about yourself sweetheart. Please? What can I say to convince you? I mean, you did go out to dinner with me...and now I'm no good? That's fucked up. Just fucked up. So come back with me...you know who I am right?

Excuse me motherfucker do you know who the hell I am? This douche bag, trailer park version of a Jason Aldean wannabe asking me if I knew who HE WAS? How could I do anything except bust up laughing. Seriously? I look over at the bar...and everyone I work with is laughing hysterically too! Everyone heard him. Who the hell was this guy? You have got to be kidding me. He must've thought that he had just walked off Motley Crue's tour bus; News flash jackass: You're no Bret Michaels and you're no Tommy Lee.
Not gunna lie though, he put on a pretty good show.

Song of the Day: A little more country than that...

This Guy is my little George Strait. In fact, we're dating now.