26 May 2010

Rita's Univeral Truths

1) Trying and Caring are two verbs that get you no where in life.
2) Having a pinkish-red heart on your facebook page is embarassing.
3) Keeping bobbi pins is impossible. Losing them is inevitable.
4) No matter how hard you try to make Murrys fried green pepper rings, they will never turn out the same.
5) Spaghetti can't be eaten without a glass of milk.
6) Spaghetti will never taste the same leftover.
7) Hey jackass, everytime you smoke pot, there will be a urinalysis within that week. No other time.
8) No other movie will ever match the solidity of quotes from Dumb and Dumber.
9) Jewish people are a race. Obviously.
10) Someone is thinking about how sexy I am. Someone is thinking about how ugly I am. Someone is thinking about how to make my life miserable and I know someone is surely thinking about something that will make me smile. Don't worry I eat all the attention up.
11) There shouldn't be a prison overfill. I think that the Government should force convicted murderers into Gladiator fighting like the Greeks and Romans did...America would make money off of watching murderers and rapists slaughter each other. Perfect.
12) It gets awkward when you aim to do the :)...and accidently do the ;)
13) You can't go into WalMart without an obese woman wearing spandex bending over in front of you when you're trying to get through an isle.
14) Don't say there is no food in the house...you know there are 17 bags of top ramen in the pantry.
15) Bowling is one of those things that you can suck really bad at, but still have a blast.
16) Any guy who insists on being the little spoon is gay. Totally gay.
17) There is nothing worse than a belligerent drunk.
18) Pop caps that say you can win stuff if you enter the codes are legit; I won a Dr. Pepper mountain bike.
19) Obese people should be required to pay for an extra seat on airplanes.
20) Karaoke is insulting
21) The name virginity would make such a beautiful name. Too bad.
22) When your roommate continues to fuck you over all year long, don't feel bad about breaking in their room to steal 1/4cup of vanilla vodka. Do it with pride, and a big proud smile.
23) If a stranger starts conversation with you, take that as an opportunity to be anyone you want. If you want to be a spinal rehabilitationist, stripper, probate lawyer, bookie or an aeronautical engineer...so be it. Why not?
24) Look on top of the cupboards. No one ever looks up there.
25) A couple can try for years to get pregnant...but a 15 year old girl can bang out and realize she's carrying twins.
26) There isn't anything more adorable than a newborn foal or calf.
27) Whether you like the President of the United States or not, he's still your president. So go complain to someone else.
28) Facial peircings are disgusting.
29) David Bowie is a baller. Everyone should be required to watch the movie Labrynth.
30) The cubs will NEVER win the world series. Being the gayest team in the league never has it's perks.

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